The latest years before this inner process began I had been frustrated about the destruction of this planet. I felt pain when seeing or knowing people torturing animals, polluting environment and caring only themselves. In my heart I felt I was part of a bigger picture and that my personal choices affect straight to the whole universe. I was a partly conscious person with postmodern values and identified with the term "light-activist". Still, no matter how environment-conscious I was, being worried or questioning things with judging and semi-negative attitude didn't benefit much for the planet. Afterwards I also recognise the feeling of hate and having these negative feelings limited me to be the Real Me and to do REALLY good for the planet or the evolution.
I tried to figure out the solution how to help this planet but didn't find a way. I felt a strong impulse inside to do something, to act, not just talk about things with very few people. That was frustrating. What does it matter to question things and focus on problems if nothing changes?? So what to do? Traditional actions like activism didn't felt my stuff. I also wasn't brave enough to leave abroad as a volunteer. I definitely wasn't a public speaker but tried to inspire my boyfriend to go to politics with his alternative views.
At that time I didn't know anything about personal growth, spirituality and the consciousness. Understanding of my past has got more clear lately when I have been exploring David Hawkins's book, "Levels of consciousness". I found out that there are a large scale of different negative feelings (also considered as levels) which block our personal growth process. I was stucked in the ego-dominant, lower mind negative feelings which according to this book are (from bottom to top): shame (was previosly considered almost as bad as death), guilt, apathy, grief, fear, desire, anger and pride. Being stucked in these negative states keep us focusing on self-interest things like physical survival, emotional pleasure and personal gain and so there is no much use for us for making the world better.
For ego, it is hard to confess of having those feelings and usually they are buried so deep that we don't even know them to exist. I identified with the feelings of anger and especially pride which is under the way with the help of it's antibody humility. With the help of other people (my "mirrors") and the book I figured out that I have been stucked in the state of pride for years and before this I have not been ready to confess that to others or especially to myself. Confessing that is a big step forward and now I can start to learn to live with that but not letting it to take control of me anymore.
Pride was still there when I randomly (?) started to keep my first blog and share this important message but there was some transformation process to the upper mind states because I started to feel feelings that I didn't know that exist! Well, I have known that I have quite much courage but then and now it has began to unfold itself totally! Well, maybe not totally, hopefully there is much more to come:) Other new feelings I had were acceptance and neutrality meaning that I didn't let the outside world to affect on my inner state anymore. I accepted all as it was and "everything happens for a reason" became my mantra. Feelings of unconditional and universal love, joy and peace and were also something miraculous. I felt like takin the skin out of my body and starting to really live. Here are all the upper mind states (from bottom to top): engourage, neutrality, willingness, acceptance, reason, love, unconditional love, joy, peace and the last, enlightenment.
So I was pushed (maybe it was evolution that pushed) from the last negative feelings to sense the complitely new world with totally new emotions and a scale of positive feelings. For a year I didn't feel anything negative and as I have been writing, I thought the state was stable. Yeah right. Everything was so beautiful that it made me blind. I thought I was the captain but I wasn't :) I wasn't conscious about my thoughts and feelings (no matter how positive and negative) and that is the time when the real growth process begins: when you really became aware of your thoughts and feelings and the separation of your ego and The Real Me. That is also called a role of an observer.
Why am I writing this is because I know that most people are stucked in different negative lower mind feelings which keeps them ego-centric and limits and slows the growth of their consciousness. What is sensational? It is totally enough if you just became conscious of them and we don't necessary have to go to therapy to handle all the negative emotional lumps. First of all it is important to learn to really FEEL the feelings. We are trained to hide our emotions and reactions and the first step is to let them flow freely. Then it is time to be an observer of your body and the mind and learning to analyse your feelings and thoughts. Where do they come from? Is it the Real me or the brainwashed ego? You can have different, both upper and lower mind, feelings in every "basic" state, but being consious of them and not to identify to them is the key to success. It is hard to know what a feeling of universal love is and to go forward if you still have feelings of shame or fear. And focus on "you have" because you are not your feelings! They are just visiters!!!
Meditation is a great tool to empty your mind and start to listen your body signals but it doesn't necessary help us to grow away from the lower mind states. We can be very spiritual person "in high levels" but if we don't recognise our negative feelings and emotions which are in our ego, not in Real me, we don't grow. Spirituality might bring a lot of happiness to our lifes but it still is not enough if we have different limitations which block our real potential to show in and to act freely.
The book introducts well every states and gives us understanding to handle them and grow forward (to grow from lower to upper mind). Being stucked in the lower mind feelings is not the tool to go forwads no matter how great lifestyle, nurtition etc. you have. And this is unfortunately how the basic therapy handles the problems: focusing on them. There is an easier way for healing: focusing on the moment of Now and the things that are positive (positive psychology is luckily coming) and becoming an observer of your mind :)
More: The conscious life: Negative thought patterns that keep you stucked, stressed and anxious